You are the most "UNFAIR" person of all

You made everything sound like you are the most hurt, when the fact is that you contributed something that made you the hurtful one. You made every story that I'm the only one who's to blame when in fact you have done something to me too but never said it to anyone just to protect what has left of you.

It was like you're saying to everyone that "She has done terrible things to me!" and not admitting that maybe because I have done something to her too that's why she turned out that way.

It was so hurtful when you say to everyone your side of the story, making others think that I'm the only one to blame, that I'm the bad girl. You are just living on your side of the story, what about me?

I've been silent all these years, it was to save the little things that they don't know about you. You don't even know how I felt when all of the people who were protective of you listen to your story while on my side, I haven't said anything to make you less than good because i know what I have done is far hurtful enough for you. Not even a single one of my so called friends knew the truth. I kept it hidden letting your own way of hurting me indirectly.

I still cry at night whenever these issues come back. I left myself beaten with words, not being protected by people who never knew the story. I want to defend myself but for what reason? to make you the baddest person?

It's been so hard for me to have my confidence up since I decided to choose. And its been SO hard for me to take the pressure of being beaten again by hurtful words.. in which sometimes I think, Do I still deserve this SHIT?

I just wish this would end. I want to be able to have my self confidence back. But you had your participation of ruining it.

I wish my illness would kill me in an instant. I don't want to feel all this pain. All this trouble. I just wish I am DEAD.

Hiding inside myself

EMOTIONAL

I still don't understand why I behave in such exaggerated manner. I get angry at little things.... after that, I get to cry until I can't breathe (well crying can clog my nose)

For various reasons, this always happen, oh gosh, I'm such a sad person. Sometimes, I try to laugh at it but most of the times, I'm gloomy. I don't know.. maybe I was not that satisfied enough or I expect more and yet  nothing will come out of my expectations.

Such a hard journey to my deathbed.

sunday

I don't know if it is just me or the heavens blessed me this Sunday. =)

I was supposed to see them busking, I tried to find them, and after an hour walk around the park, I have to call "him" just to make sure if they are going to have their busk or the activity' cancelled. I met up with him.. =) damn! he's cuter that I thought.. and yet I was afraid to even approach him.. hohohohoho

And then, while waiting for the others, I asked him a lot of questions, I was soooo much interested about his story, why he was so talented, like in an instant, while we were talking, he said that he had a lot of melodies and lyrics on his mind, that he wants to write it down.. unfortunately, I don't have my pen and paper at that time. So by then, we just continued laughing, then serious talks. It was fun.. for me =)

One thing that attracted me to him was also his locks, it looks FLUFFY, I tried to touch it and yet, I hold back, it's kind of embarrassing for me to even try to hold a man's locks.. especially if you are totally admiring the person..

I just noticed that no one came from the busk team.. the busk was cancelled and.. we were together hahahaha such a lucky day for me to have the opportunity to ask him LOTS of questions. I toured him since we might not get the chance to tour anyway the next week. He is a simple guy, he was a child XD he likes to ride the boats and also the mini carts at the park, he even want to try to sneak in on one of the places there that is basically not appropriate for the likes of him.. well of course he was with me all the time, I don't even want to go to those places too, even if I'm with my boyfriend.

He was a gentleman, awkward at times, I don't see myself being protected at the park hahaha.

He also loved plants, well we stopped several times, upon his request, since he wants to look at the potted plants there.

What really amazed me he's broke hahahhaa. the only money he had at that moment was his transpo allowance. well, he has 3pesos excess (and he bought himself candies) so when I invited him to eat, he can't buy anything, not even a piece of fishball. I bought him 2 pieces of squid balls, he accepted the offer since I bribed him that I will not go the next busking (sooo bad!)

The only thing is that at the end of the day.. neither he nor I tried to share what has happened. XD I don't know why.

I mentioned this a while ago with one of my close friends.. well she thinks that it was purely friendly bonding but with a *kilig* moment XD

I told him I might do a write up about him based on his answers but then again.. I'll be keeping some info for myself. 

He's cute hahahhahaha

crush? ahahaha

hahaha! the time that most people (at my age) are much focused on their career and lovelife.. and yet, I'm still in the High school zone (LOL)

Really, I never thought having this "Crush" thing would make me more happier... with lots of laughs.

The only thing is that, what if this turned out... oh never mind! I'm pretty sure having this feeling wouldn't affect the relationship I have... hopefully...(hahahaha)

I just don't understand, of all the people I used to have a conversation with, this boy caught my attention.. yeah, he is as talented as the others I have met but there is something more about him, HE IS a very interesting fellow... and I found out that I have a crush on him hahahaha!

Now, the "what if's" just popped out in my head.. what if he's not younger than me, what if I spend more time with them? what if? what if?

I know for a fact, I'm enjoying this feeling.. well I was being "ignored" most of the time by my whachamacallit? oh.. boyfriend, since he's too busy with his work. That's understandable.. and yet I have to make sure I am not to take any pleasure of any of this. Shortcomings it maybe, might that I deserve more, but I'm holding on to a promise.

Depression..

All I know is, my health is deteriorating.. later on, I am sick and no one knows what I am going through.. People who eventually says "we are worried" about you doesn't even understand what I am really feeling.. The only thing they know is that what they are saying is RIGHT, and not thinking about a person would really feel just because they are sooo much self righteous about themselves..

I find myself very much understanding to those who are depressed, down, having no self esteem, BULLIED.. because I realized... I was, all along.. one of them.. The only thing that I can't do is to uplift them since I, was also like them. Depressed, down, having no self esteem, and bullied.. normal people who did suffer from unfortunate events that happened in their lives and yet, moved on, cannot even be resembled to people who are still suffering from depression.

Our story, our lives... will never be understood. Life is so much cruel... people are cruel..

the sad reality

I was once a petite lady... well not anymore. Some of my friends says that I am a beautiful person, in and out. I never believed it. well.. I kind of admit, I have a slight pretty face.. but that's about it. And lately, what they say about me.. whether it is good or bad.. I never believed it... What I always hear were all lies..

Some says, I'm sexy, screw them!! I know my built, I know my flaws, I never see myself the way they see me.. Why? because I just know.

Some says, I'm kind of an intelligent person.. HUH!?! the fuck someone said that. If I do think intelligently, I would have done a lot of GOOD that a lot of BAD in my life! Sucks to know. I am not that proud having those kind of compliments... they are all lies.

Other says that if I get fat.. I can make myself get thinner again.. TOTALLY UNTRUE... I tried making myself get thinner.. 6 months have past, I gained again 5 pounds.. SUCKS!!

I'm really a hopeless person, I get hurt every time a guy or a girl says "oh my, you look a lot bigger/wider/fatter compared the last time We/I saw you."

I'm in grief.. I hate my body, I hate my self.. I hate having myself here in this stupid situation... well, I have to get my junk food, my comfort food.. The only thing that can make me calm. (and the one fact that makes me fat... hahaha, can't stop eating though.. no one really cares.)